Thursday, October 28, 2004

More about me than you wanted to know ...

Okay, I've seen these odds and ends all over the blogosphere, and while I doubt you'll find me all that interesting, here goes.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink

02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said 'I love you' and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Done a striptease

11. Bungee jumped – not on your fucking LIFE

12. Visited Paris -- and neither will I ever do so. Unless you mean Paris, Texas, where I have been on a couple occasions.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise -- I've seen more sunrises than I can count.

15. Seen the Northern Lights

16. Gone to a huge sports game – Baseball and NFL Football

17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

19. Touched an iceberg

20. Slept under the stars

21. Changed a baby's diaper

22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

23. Watched a meteor shower

24. Gotten drunk on champagne -- yuck!

25. Given more than you can afford to charity

26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

28. Had a food fight

29. Bet on a winning horse (even if it was only $1) -- horse racing bores me to tears!

30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill – I didn’t want to get out of bed… -- we call those mental health days sometimes.

31. Asked out a stranger

32. Had a snowball fight -- When I lived in Michigan, and when I was a little boy and it actually snowed here in Houston for three days.

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier

34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

35. Held a lamb

36. Enacted a favorite fantasy

37. Taken a midnight skinny dip – not yet -- Actually, it was more like 0200, but I'm going to give myself some leeway!

38. Taken an ice cold bath

39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar.

40. Seen a total eclipse. -- lunar and solar

41. Ridden a roller coaster -- emotional ones too, I'm sad to recollect.

42. Hit a home run

43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days

44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking – White men can't dance -- and shouldn't!

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day -- I do a really good Irish accent. S'fun!

46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors -- Why would I want to go there? They didn't like it or they wouldn't have escaped here, would they?

47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

48. Had two hard drives for your computer

49. Visited all 50 states – I've seen several, but I love Texas most of all.

50. Loved your job for all accounts

51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced - I went once on a date with a girl who got into a spat with an ex-boyfriend and had to spend the night holding her while she upchucked everything she'd ever eaten. The overall relationship wasn't a smashing success. And the Lord Alone knows how many drunks I had to fuck with in my EMS days. LOL

52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied -- does such a state of grace exist?

53. Had amazing friends -- oh, the stories I could tell ... yeah, my friends, my true friends, are amazing human beings

54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

55. Watched wild whales

56. Stolen a sign

57. Backpacked in Europe -- If I go to Europe, I don't intend to drive my sneakers, thanks just the same.

58. Taken a road-trip yes, and one of my fondest dreams is to get into a car and go see America for as long as I can drive it

59. Rock climbing

60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice -- who the hell thinks of these questions, anyway? What, am I in the CIA?

61. Midnight walk on the beach

62. Sky diving – Not unless the aircraft is gloriously aflame, bubba!

63. Visited Ireland

64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love -- let's not go there, okay?

65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them

66. Visited Japan -- not on your life, bubba!

67. Benchpressed your own weight

68. Milked a cow -- I'll just go to Kroger for my milk, thanks just the same

69. Alphabetized your records

70. Pretended to be a superhero -- Didn't we all do that when we were kids?

71. Sung karaoke. -- I sing like old people fuck: suh-LOW and suh-LOPPY!

72. Lounged around in bed all day – and it was a weekday

73. Posed nude in front of strangers

74. Scuba diving

75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye

76. Kissed in the rain -- thunderstorms carry with them a primal sexual power, I've always thought ...

77. Played in the mud

78. Played in the rain

79. Gone to a drive-in theater

80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.

81. Visited the Great Wall of China -- whyever would I want to go see a wall?

82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog

83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better

84. Started a business

85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken – thus far, this time is looking mighty fine. Cross yer fingers, y'all.

86. Toured ancient sites -- I guess it depends on a definition of "anciency."

87. Taken a martial arts class

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman

89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight -- I love Baldur's Gate on PlayStation.

90. Gotten married-- Jesus, what a fuck-up that was.

91. Been in a movie

92. Crashed a party

93. Loved someone you shouldn't have -- isn't that like, a rite of passage?

94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy -- WOOHOO!

95. Gotten divorced -- another WOOHOO!!

96. Had sex at the office – not yet

97. Gone without food for 5 days -- We probably should open this door no further than this, hey?

98. Made cookies from scratch

99. Won first prize in a costume contest

100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101. Gotten a tattoo - we had a rule in EMS --- anyone with more tattoos than teeth was impossible to kill by any means.

102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on

103. Rafted a river

104. Been on television news programs as an "expert" -- I once told a reporter that he could kiss my ass before he'd interview me on camera.

105. Got flowers for no reason

106. Masturbated in a public place

107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything -- I'm ashamed to report that this has indeed happened to me.

108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug

109. Performed on stage

110. Been to Las Vegas

111. Recorded music

112. Eaten shark

113. Had a one-night stand

114. Gone to Thailand -- I'd rather be doomed to live in Kalamazoo, but thanks anyway

115. Seen Siouxsie live

116. Bought a house

117. Been in a combat zone -- I guess that depends on whether you consider being shot at while working a 911 truck to be combat.

118. Buried one/both of your parents

119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off

120. Been on a cruise ship

121. Spoken more than one language fluently -- does Tex-Mex count?

122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone

123. Bounced a check

124. Performed in Rocky Horror

125. Read - and understood - your credit report -- a side effect of the car biz.

126. Raised children – not yet

127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy

128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

129. Created and named your own constellation of stars

130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country -- What the hell is wrong with visiting places in a car?

131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did – many of my Irish ancestors were a colorful lot, including one drunken old gent who burned down a city jail when he got arrested for drunk and disorderly

132. Called or written your Congress person

133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over to be with the one you love -- Been there, done that, bought the shirt, and I swear I'll never ride a bull in that rodeo again, Buckwheat!

134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?

135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge -- ACK! What's this obsession with walking???

136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking -- I sing poorly, but I never said I don't like to sing anyway

137. Had an abortion or your female partner did

138. Had plastic surgery

139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived. – ten years in EMS and never got hurt. Sometimes ya just know God's protecting ya.

140. Wrote articles for a large publication -- Does my novel count, since it's submitted for publication?

141. Lost over 100 pounds -- I lost 240 pounds in one moment. All it took was signing the divorce papers!

142. Held someone while they were having a flashback -- God love the EMS biz.

143. Piloted an airplane – Does Ace Combat 04 on PS2 count?

144. Petted a stingray

145. Broken someone's heart

146. Helped an animal give birth

147. Been fired or laid off from a job

148. Won money on a T.V. game show

149. Broken a bone

150. Killed a human being -- insane family members accused me of it when Grampa didn't respond to CPR, but elsewise, no. I've seen too much death on the streets, though.

151. Gone on an African photo safari

152. Ridden a motorcycle -- the first DB I scraped off the pavement was a motorcycle accident. She was 26 years old and her head shattered like one of Gallagher's watermelons. That killed it for me and motorcycles, thanks just the same.

153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph

154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol -- you're asking a TEXAN that sort of question?

156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

157. Ridden a horse

158. Had major surgery -- earlier this year, in fact. Bleh.

159. Had sex on a moving train

160. Had a snake as a pet -- If I see a snake, it's my mission in life to kill the slithery little bastard. Read up on your Genesis.

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing -- no, but I've had flights so bad that I think the pilot was snoozing

163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

165. Visited all 7 continents -- now, why in the world would I want to go to Antarctica?

166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

167. Eaten kangaroo meat -- no, but I wanna collect more kangaroo whips

168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground -- That sounds morbidly goth and fucked up, yask me!

169. Been a sperm or egg donor -- not going there either.

170. Eaten sushi -- not bad, but I wouldn't go far out of my way for it.

171. Had your picture in the newspaper

172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime

173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about -- We of Irish descent have a way of being able to tell someone go to hell, and make them happy to be on their way.

174. Gotten someone fired for their actions

175. Gone back to school

176. Parasailed -- no, but it looks like fun

177. Changed your name

178. Petted a cockroach -- yuck

179. Eaten fried green tomatoes -- yes, but I never cared for them, really

180. Read The Iliad -- the author is such a Homer, though!

181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read.

182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them

183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you

184. Taught yourself an art from scratch -- I think the woodturning can be called an art, as can writing

185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -- they're best when you do it that way!

186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt

187. Skipped all your school reunions -- Why bother going? I'm in contact with none of my classmates, and we obviously don't miss one another.

188. Communicated with someone without using the phone -- isn't that what face-to-face conversation is all about?

189. Been elected to public office

190. Written your own computer language

191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream

192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care -- And held her hand as she slipped into Jesus' arms.

193. Built your own PC from parts -- ACK! I'm a computer MORON

194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

195. Had a booth at a street fair

196. Dyed your hair

197. Been a DJ

198. Found out someone was going to dump you via blog

199. Written your own role playing game

200. Been arrested

201. Watched someone masturbate in a public place

More stuff about me

1. I am a Christian.

2. I am politically conservative.

3. I have five dogs. They are Grimmy, Kringle, Susie, Dixie and Addie.

4. I have three cats. They are Calvin, Hobbes and Tillie.

5. We have a 125-gallon aquarium.

6. We own two vehicles, a '99 New Beetle and a 2004 Ford Ranger.

7. I used to sell cars for a living. I fucking hated it and hope I never have to do that again.

8. I'm a member of the Masonic fraternity.

9. I don't believe in organized religion.

10. I hate peas and beets.

11. Fried chicken too.

12. I was a paramedic for ten years.

13. I love playing poker with my friends.

14. I enjoy history.

15. Especially Texas history.

16. I utterly loathe Julia Roberts.

17. And Barbra Streisand.

18. And Hanoi Jane Fonda.

19. My all-time favorite television series is M*A*S*H.

20. Currently, my favorite television shows are South Park, Dead Like Me, and the CSI shows, all three, along with Without a Trace.

21. Because I was a paramedic, I've tied people up in events that were not sexual experiences.

22. Because of those paramedic experiences, I don't get off on most medical play in S&M.

23. I do a great deal of writing, and have plans to write a mainstream novel of intrigue involving geopolitics.

24. Tabasco is a food group.

25. I believe Roe v. Wade was an invalid decision by the Supremes, but I'm glad abortion is legal, mainly because I'm glad I never had to run a teenage girl with a coathanger jammed in her works.

26. I think psychiatrists have no more validity than a local palm-reader, and would trust a bartender further than I'd trust a shrink.

27. I think the drinking age in the U.S. should be no higher than seventeen, the age a which the young may join the military, and in many cases, be imprisoned for felonies.

28. I've been told I should look into being a stand-up comedian.

29. I've actually been to Kalamazoo, Michigan. It's not far from Hell.

30. I believe in the death penalty, and think it's seriously underutilized in the U.S.

31. I miss men like Harry S. Truman, who would call a son-of-a-bitch just that, and make no apologies for having done so.

32. Although not a huge sports fan, I've always loved the Green Bay Packers.

33. I consistently vote against spending public funds on professional sports teams in any manner.

34. I'm opposed to monetary fines for minor offenses, such as traffic violations.

35. I live in the country, and not as far out in the country as I'd like.

36. I don't think Bill Gates is quite the monster people like to portray him as being. He's just a computer geek with a good sense of marketing and ruthless business practices, not Lucifer, fresh from the Stygian pits and reeking of brimstone.

37. The eternal debate. Boxers or briefs? Briefs win.

38. Coke or Pepsi? Coke, baby!

39. Favorite liquors: Tequila and single-malt Scotch, both consumed neat.

40. Favorite movie genres: Comedy and coming-of-age movies, like Secondhand Lions.

41. I love fried catfish.

42. I do very well cooking out on the grill.

43. I'm fairly cynical, and make no apologies for it.

44. I think animal rights activists are lunatics, who need to be locked away in rubber rooms and the key thrown away.

45. I have a thirty-foot flagpole in my front yard, that I built myself and set up. I proudly fly the US and Texas flags from it.

46. I like woodwork. Yeah, lookit the pictures. Duh, right?

47. I wear contact lenses.

48. The picture on my profile was taken very recently.

49. Yeah, and I know I look like the Missing Link.

50. The last time I took an IQ test, the result was right around 160 points.

51. I don't think that really means very much.

52. I grew up almost in sight of the San Jacinto battleground, where the Texas army under Sam Houston fought and defeated the Mexican army of Santa Anna.

53. I tend to be a bit of a nerd about things like history and my hobbies.

54. I have a sister whom I love, but don't oftentimes really like.

55. All of my grandparents are dead.

56. My mom's father was born and raised in Germany.

57. My mom's grandparents immigrated to the United States from Norway. One of their daughters was born on the ship bearing them to Ellis Island.

58. I love going deep sea fishing.

59. My favorite city that I've visited, although only twice, is New Orleans, Louisiana.

60. The best meal I had in New Orleans was at Ralph & Kacoo's, where I had blackened alligator.

61. My favorite genre of food: Tex-Mex.

62. Favorite authors: Stephen King, Dean Koontz, WEB Griffin, Laurell Hamilton. Lots of others, but those will do for now.

63. I watched Secretary, and loved it. We even own a copy of the DVD.

64. I have a very good rote memory. I memorized my first "adult" (not porn, but not for kids) poem when I was seven or eight years old.

65. That poem is called The Box. I've no idea who is its author.

66. I enjoy words, and often compose stories in my mind when away from writing materials.

67. My sense of gallows humor is an acute one.

68. My favorite comic strip is Dilbert.

69. I suffer from IBS. Yuck, huh?

70. I enjoy good debates, but give up on them when they turn into personal attacks.

71. I hate snakes, and I kill them wherever I see them on my property.

72. I've cried more over the deaths of beloved pets than I have over many of my relatives.

73. From about the age of 20, I disowned my dad's mother, and never regretted having done so.

74. Comedians I despise: Gilbert Godfried. Jim Carrey. Judy Tenuta.

75. Comedians I love: Almost anyone else, but I especially have come to love the Blue Collar team with their southern-fried comedy.

76. Favorite taste in music: Probably oldies from the Sixties and Seventies, closely followed by what I think of as real country music.

77. Other than two very brief forays into the casino in Windsor, Ontario, I've never stood on foreign soil.

78. I'm not opposed to traveling abroad, but I'd like to see the United States first.

79. I never graduated college, but I hope I can go back sometime soon.

80. I loved serving in EMS, although I was a volunteer only for ten years. They're experiences I wouldn't trade for a dumptruck full of diamonds.

81. The best friendships I've ever earned were working a 911 truck, and those friendships are lifelong. We still get together frequently, at least once a month, often more.

82. I have never gladly suffered a fool. In high school, I even had a teacher who was stupid and I lost no opportunity to remind her of it.

83. I refuse to purchase foreign cars. The only reason we have the VW is that Gracie got it before we met. BTW, the New Beetle from VW is a piece of shit.

84. I've never wanted to be a celebrity, or in the public eye very much. Once upon a time, I refused an interview with a local television reporter over an ambulance call I worked where we had to put the patients, father and son, on a dustoff to Houston.

85. I don't betray confidences, and usually find it to be unforgivable when mine are betrayed.

86. I've come to learn that if you look hard enough for bigotry, you'll find it, but it's most often not really there so much as imagined, like a case of buck fever.

87. After my EMS time, I refuse to look on alcoholism or drug addiction as diseases, but instead as voluntary weaknesses in one's personal character. That said, if someone I know or love is trying to get clean, I'll do all in my power to support that person, but will never agree he or she is a victim.

88. I cannot see Christopher Reeve or Ken Caminiti as tragic figures. I doubt that Reeve ever noticed people in wheelchairs until he found himself in one, and Caminiti's death was ultimately by his own hand.

89. I think the world was a far better place when we didn't try to understand criminals, but instead gave them a tall tree, a short rope and let 'em do the funky chicken.

90. I saw Passion of the Christ. I think it's a brilliant movie, and I can't see how an historical account of the Christian tale can be anti-Semitic, even if it did put the Jewish people of the time in an unfavorable light.

91. I positively love the Darwin Awards.

92. My most embarrassing EMS moment: A CPR call where the trailer floor collapsed under my weight, and I was left stuck and floundering in the hole for a while as my partner kept trying to resuscitate the dead little old lady, asking me in mixed concern and irritation if I was going to be able to extricate myself from the hole.

93. I enjoy putting tacky new lyrics to old tunes. One of my favorites was a song about CPR to the tune of Jingle Bells.

94. I once told a friend of mine a war story while we were in a restaurant, about a DB call I ran once upon a yesterday. An eavesdropper (his fault, not mine) got so sick about the gory details, he had to take his order to go.

95. I've never smoked marijuana, and probably never will, but have over the last couple years come to wonder whether it should be legalized.

96. I love good practical jokes, but tend to give as good as I get.

97. I do my best not to react in anger, having learned that walking away is often the wisest course of action. With rare exception, I've learned that I'll only come to regret what was done in anger.

98. When I go on a hard-charging writing tear, I let little interfere with me, and have often been so busy writing that I've not eaten all day. I don't forget to eat, but I don't want to be troubled. That said, I'm still a fat sumbitch. Sometimes life really sucks.

99. A piece of advice I'll offer to anyone: Never ask me a question if you're not sure you want to know my answer.

100. See, I told you people I'm a boring nerd, didn't I? Hello? Is anyone still awake? Damn. Text-Valium, bay-bee!

--Patrick H.--
--28th October 2004, A.D.--