Saturday, October 30, 2004

Insecure "doms"

For my purposes, I'm using m-doms and f-subs here, mainly because I hate having to keep saying "he or she" or H/him (a topic for another essay in the future, believe me), but please don't take that to mean that f-dommes and m-subs don't find themselves in these situations. Be warned: this essay takes rather much of an advocacy position, and if it pisses you off, I really don't care.

Your first rule is that you can't talk to these friends of yours, and certainly not to any other men, and most especially not other doms, or I'll take your collar away. You don't talk to anyone without getting my permission first, or else. And I insist on having full access to all your emails and chat clients.

How many of you have undergone this sort of treatment from a dom, or known someone, dom or sub, participating in that sort of conduct? A collar goes onto a submissive, and instantly, the dom feels he can't be domly if he doesn't instantly drive a wedge between his new submissive and her life. I see this sort of conduct going on to a far lesser degree out here in the real world than I behold online, but I've always found it to be utterly dismaying, for my own reasons, but what the hell, this is my essay, so I can say whatever I damn well please, right?

First of all, what this sort of thing screams to me is of insecurity and distrust on the dom's behalf, and that in turn comes back with the echo that this is a player or someone who is otherwise unqualified to hold responsibility for another human being, because he obviously doesn't think much of himself or his submissive if he has no more trust than that for her. I wrote recently an essay entitled "Blame" where a measure of this was addressed, so read it if you like before continuing, so you understand when I say here that if you have that kind of baggage, you've doomed a relationship before it got out of the gate.

Distrust is inconsistent in a dominant and submissive relationship, and the whole "if you talk to another dom he might take you away from me" line of thought is bullshit. If your girl can be trusted, she can be trusted. If she cannot be trusted, no order you give her is going to change that, so wash your hands of her and send her ass packing. And if you think you're that lame of a dominant that you can't keep her under your control but by making yourself her only human contact, you need to go fucking grow up and get yourself unfucked before you fuck up someone else's life beyond your own. Your submissive is a human being, and humans need human contact. We're social animals, and robbing that from your submissive will likely only be damaging to her, stunting her growth as a human being. Sometimes the golden rule is an important thing to write on your heart as a rule and guide to your practices, and I'd say this would be one of those times. Would you really think it's tolerable for your submissive to say you can have no contacts or friendships with submissives or other females besides herself? Or would you think that she's being a pissy-assed jealous broad who needs a knot yanked in her ass and a strong dose of reality?

This also lays the groundwork for abusive relationships, and no, I'm not going to go off into abuse and how I define it versus how you define it, because we'd be chasing this possum through the woods until December and never nail down the little fucker anyway. A person suddenly forced to alienate long-standing friendships in the name of a new relationship, vanilla or D/s, is creating a condition of sacrificing her safety net to her dom or new boyfriend. I'm not saying that's automatically a bad thing, after the guy has proven his worth, so to speak, but I think it's a disastrous early move in a relationship. Sometimes a submissive needs these kinds of outreaches, especially early on in a relationship, when there are many growing pains involved.

Do I put my money where my mouth is on this one? Or am I telling you to do as I say and not as I do? Well, in four years that Gracie and I have been together, I have only forbidden her to talk to one person, and that was some swine online who lived his life to piss people off, and seemed to have some otherworldly magical ability to mash her buttons and get her upset. And then I'd wind up having to deal with her being upset for a couple days over his antics, and so this maggot (whom I also discovered is a registered sex offender and child molestor) is the one and only person with whom she was forbidden to communicate. She was actually happier for that in the long run, and it's a moot point since everyone's lives have gone in different directions since. Are you still unconvinced that I stick to my guns on this matter? What if I were to tell you that Gracie and I are both members of HPEP (Houston People Exchanging Power), and that she participates in a special interest group there called SubHaven, in which only submissives are allowed to attend, and do so on a promise of secrecy, that what goes on there remains there. She attends this SIG with my full consent and approval, because I know sometimes people need to talk among their own kind, and I'm okay with that. After all, I really couldn't talk to her about my EMS issues from back when, and expect her to have a visceral and practical understanding of what I was saying. She's by no means stupid, but she hasn't walked a mile in those shoes, and neither have I walked that mile in hers. At the same time those meetings are ongoing, the doms meet elsewhere for a mirror SIG called DOMinion, which is usually more of a general bullshit session without any real topic on hand, and more often than not, it's not even a D/s conversation.

How many of you submissives who are reading this can relate to what I've said thus far? Had you ever been in that sort of relationship, where you were banned from your friendships and associations? Did you feel that your relationship with your dom was stronger for this? Did you feel that alienating your associations helped you to grow as a human being? Or did you just feel low and depressed and perhaps confused as to why he refused to trust you? I've stated my opinion, but please tell me yours.

--Patrick H.--
--30th October 2004, A.D.--