Sunday, October 24, 2004


Scars of the past. Skeletons in the closet. Ghosts. Bitter experiences. Baggage.

We use all these terms all too often as an excuse for conduct that is ultimately inexcusable. In short, we all too often have a regrettable tendency to hold those in our present to account for the wrongs done by those in our past. Just exactly how sick and cruel is this?

Thinking on it, I cannot come up with any comparison to draw with this sort of conduct. Where else would we so knowingly and blatantly convict the innocent of crimes we damned well know were committed by others? Even the Jim Crow kangaroo courts of long ago don't quite compare, and would open doors to places that need no exploration here. The cruelty I'm talking about here is done to ones that are loved and liked, not to random people of a specific category.

Why do we do these things to people we claim to like or even to love? Why would we routinely deny to a loved one this measure of deserved trust and respect, or even in some cases, friendship? "Her last boyfriend was a two-timing ass, so this one must be no better." Exactly how fair is that, to make such broad assumptions as you paint one person, all the while acknowledging that person's innocence of someone else's wrongs, with another's brush? Not even the least bit fair, I'd contend, and I'd hope most would agree with me.

The BDSM lifestyle is one of trust, but doesn't such conduct bespeak utter distrust instead? How do we reconcile these things into a relationship and expect it to succeed, and not collapse under its own weight? How can we speak of love and trust for a dom or sub, and still harbor these feelings? How can we hold these feelings toward someone and say we like and/or respect that person, for that matter?

How many of us have lost relationships that could have been kinetic and wonderful creations were it not for this regrettable tendency to make others pay the bills of those who went before them? To draw a comparison, how would you feel if you entered a restaurant and discovered the last person at the table where you were seated didn't pay his tab, and now you were walking in and owing for a steak dinner for ten and premium hi-tension booze for all, before you ever got a bite of the simple burger you came to get? Hell, you'd blow a nut and I'm betting you'd tell the waiter demanding that payment to kiss your ass at high noon in front of the county courthouse, but give you a couple hours to draw a good crowd. Or maybe that's just what I'd do. For all intents and purposes, I have more or less done this in relationships where I've run out of patience after the SO tried to put my feet to the fire for the wrongdoings of her ex-SO. Fuck all over that noise, y'all.

If you've read this, and agree with what I've said, I'll ask you to do two things. First, pass the lesson along to others, so that the wanton cruelties can at least slow down some. I'm not so much the idealistic fool to think it will ever stop. Secondly, take this lettle lesson into your own heart, and remember that those you like or love are undeserving of the cruelties of your retributions for wrongs that don't fall under their ownership, but all too often instead to those who are forever beyond reach. In other words, get over it.

--Patrick H.--
--24th October, 2004, A.D.--